Day 29 of Isolation

A lot has happened since I last posted. I'm going to try to update you guys weekly now.

Not that there's anyone out there reading this (unless, sometime in the future, I give my mom the URL). Hello, whoever you are, if you are anyone.

On the 31st, I got into my dream high school, so I'll be leaving the one I was currently attending. The first few days were the happiest I've been in a long time. I was talking to so many people through Snapchat and Instagram and Discord and Facebook Messenger about what the school is like and hopefully taking the first steps to have some friends next year. Being alone at home, I'm getting lost in the future - something I often do when my current life feels sub-par. I watch countless college-admission-reaction videos on YouTube and think about how going to my favorite colleges might actually be conceivable, if I can only figure out some important event in my life that says something about who I am, because apparently essays make or break an application. I know I'm only a sophomore, but I want to start ahead. What else is there to do?

I find myself growing in strange directions. Sometimes I talk to myself in a (shoddy) British accent, trying to recite the "this is for Rachel" monologue. I lay on the floor. I worry that, when I'm back to seeing people, I'll have forgotten how to talk to them, the intricacies of a knowing smile or perfectly-timed remark. If society is a charade, I may forget my part when the show resumes. Oof, that sounded awfully pretentious. Anyway...

For anyone struggling to cope with being away from friends, I highly recommend watching Netflix together. I've started watching Community with my friend, and that's been a lifesaver - how was I ever unaware such a delightful show existed? There's a slight chance I'm overdoing it - I had a weird dream a few nights ago that Britta realized she was in love with Abed - but regardless, it's very enjoyable. I've been working on bracelets and cards for my friends, and that helps a lot.

In the past few weeks, I haven't been to the grocery store, and my mom only goes once a week. We get most of our groceries delivered now, so I'm only leaving the house on my runs, which I continue to force myself to complete. My calves already feel harder, and I'm actually happy with my body thanks to all of the at-home workouts I've been doing. I WILL come out of this quarantine thicc (if you will), so if we get a summer, I will be so ready.

According to the news, the curve is finally flattening as the rate of increase has begun to slow. We're now recommended by the CDC to wear masks when out in public, but because the morning streets of my neighborhood are sparsely-populated enough, I've only worn a homemade bandana mask once (a relief, since the bandana was quite ugly). One of my neighbors has tested positive, but it's not common knowledge, and as far as I know, no one else has it. I give anyone I pass on the street a wide berth, don't worry. I'm not about to get sick, unlike the people (well, one person) I know who keeps hanging out right beside friends. Seriously, don't do that.

I'm grateful for my teachers, and if you think that sounds brown-nose-y, you really don't know the situation. I attend most Zoom classes just to see a few people I know, and the Kahoot my math teacher made (complete with BTS trivia questions) has been the highlight of my week. Schoolwork gets VERY tiresome very often, but now that I actually have something (placement tests for my new school) to study for, I'm motivated. Well, internally motivated. Today is Easter, and tomorrow is a no-online-work day, so we'll see if I actually get anything meaningful done. Most of my classes feel like they don't matter anymore (looking at you, English research paper), so I'm pretty much waiting for the weekend every day. "Won't they get off my back?", I groan at the Google Classroom notifications from teachers who are just trying to keep things normal. My school plans to go back on May 15, but I sincerely doubt that will happen, so I might have seen a bunch of people for the last time ever on March 13th. Weird.

Quarantine has its challenges, but 29 days in, I'm seeing it as a sort of gift. Before March, as an overworked, underslept American high school kid, I'd had this thought many times: "It just... never stops. All the deadlines and assignments and rushing around and fake-smiling... and you never get a break, because when you have time off, you need to get an internship or do something that'll make you stand out to colleges, or you wouldn't be able to compete at all and..." Anyway, it has stopped. The world has stopped. But we haven't - I've seen it in my friends' photos, poetry, art, baking, album releases, even podcasts - we've kept going and are finally a bit more ourselves without constantly feeling watched or judged. We're left to our own devices for the most part, and if we all stay alive, we can use this time to grow a little.