Day 17 of Isolation

It's been a while, and I apologize. The days are blurring together already. Hours disappear into Netflix sessions and homework and creative projects, and suddenly it's almost April.

Today, March 25, is the first day that my county has issued a stay-at-home order. I was already staying home except to accompany my mother grocery shopping, so nothing much has changed except that my ventures into the real world will grow fewer and further between. There are 74 cases in my county so far, and no one who I know is sick. My dad is still going into work, but at a different location where he'll hopefully come into contact with fewer people.

Sometimes I feel like this time at home is an opportunity for me. I've baked oatmeal cookies, ginger cookies, tiramisu, and rosemary bread. I've tried to play guitar again and drawn a bunch in my bullet journal and started making friendship bracelets for when I finally get out. I want to write detailed, adorable letters to my friends, so I'll hopefully keep you posted (haha). Also, there are a lot of people at school who annoyed me or were kind of mean, so I'm happy not to see them. I also don't miss the class periods when I would have to force myself to stay awake. Being able to fall asleep whenever I want feels so safe and wonderful.

Other times, this feels like an awful slog. My public school teachers aren't allowed to grade work, but it's still being assigned (and is going to be tested), so I'm doing it. My motivation is enough to carry me through the first few assignments, but it gets old after a few hours of work. I still have English, history, and Creative Writing to deal with, and I feel like I've already done enough already. I'm worried about the AP Exams being at home and only 45 minutes long. I usually do pretty well, but if people cheat and mess up the curve, I don't know what I'll do. If they keep the curve (on an objectively easy section), that means it will be SO HARD for me to get a 5, and I was pretty confident in my abilities to get one on the normal exam. At least I'm not in four APs like some of my friends.

The highlights of this time have been all human interaction. For me, texting doesn't count. When you're just typing, you might as well just be talking to an AI, y'know? I had a video call with my friend yesterday. It was nice to see her and talk to her, but definitely not the same as hanging out in person and getting to run around downtown. I also felt like I was being weird and boring, like I'm losing my ability to talk to people. Another one of my friends was on Dr. Phil about how disappointing it is to be a senior right now. It was so crazy to see her fidgeting in her living room on national television. By far the happiest I've felt this whole time was a few days ago, when I drove with my mom (learners' permit thingz) to pick up take-out and popped into the hardware store to look for my friend who works there. I was smiling the whole time we talked, but I'm worried about him having to be out working and being near people. Seeing people other than my family has kept me sane, to be honest.

It is hard for me, having to reach out when I want to see my friends. This is definitely going to be an opportunity to realize who I actually want in my life. I'm hoping that even while we can't physically hang out, I can get closer to the people who I hang out at school with but felt too awkward to ask to do something together. FaceTime is like an in-between of "doing something" and "not doing something", so that works nicely.

This post is all over the place, but I've noticed a trend among my peers online. I think the isolation is making us all loopy in certain ways. You know how there's this filter in your head that, when you're thinking of posting something publicly, says, "don't post that, it's stupid and no one cares"? Well, I think ours, as a generation, are collectively deteriorating. Copy-paste-challenges are running rampant on Instagram stories, and, although the message is important and I was posting it myself, my friend put it best when she said, "I hate seeing all of these 'stay inside' posts because it just reminds me that I'm stuck at home." Everyone is inside with virtually nothing to do but use our phones, and it's starting to shape our digital footprint.

When this is over, I'm going to a party. (I know, out of character. But even with how intense and school-obsessed I seem, I need to have fun.) I'm going to run out into the night with a huge crowd of people. I'm going to hug everyone I see (within limits). I'm going to take every opportunity I have to experience the world. Because there are at least seven more weeks of quarantine left, and I don't know if I'm mentally prepared.

Did I sign off with my last post? I don't remember.

XOXO, QuaranTeen